His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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