Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
