Best friends brother. Beat that.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
