I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
