I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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