You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
