so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
