I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
