Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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