I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
