sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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