you didnt know i had herpes?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
