Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
