Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
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You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
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You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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