I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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