Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
