Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
