She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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