So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
