I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i wish my penis had a tongue
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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