I love black thongs
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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