I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
nutella sex= disaster
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
