Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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