i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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