In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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