I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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