you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
