She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
