I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
