what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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