mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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