Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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