Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
