I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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