just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
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They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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