Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
pop tarts are not kleenex
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
