I wish I could teleport
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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