1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
