Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
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The beers last night were like the tears from god
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
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If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions