just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.