Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS