Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
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I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
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It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Oh god it's open bar.