just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.