i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
