Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
