sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
