hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
