anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
