never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Randomize
