oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
