I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
