what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
