I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
