Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
