Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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