apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
