If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
