So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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