he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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